You're Not Alone
by Write-To-You
Summary: Nora struggles with the memories of what she did to Ray when she was still working with her father. Ray, as always, is there for her.


**Author's Note: Awwww another one, written just for the two to three people who read my Legends of Tomorrow fanfictions XD**

**So, I finished Legends of Tomorrow Season 4 today, and since I had some extra time I decided to go back and watch 3x13, which is basically the one where Nora and Ray have to team up in Berlin back when Nora's still on the bad side. **

**But okay, side note- it is ****_actually _****the cutest thing ever how Nora always does that chest-slappy thing to Ray. Like she literally does it even at the beginning and I LOVE IT SO MUCH XD **

Nora could remember holding a gun to his head. She could remember her hand on his throat, slowly draining the life out of him as pinkish light cracked his greying cheeks. She could remember sticking an electric rod into his side and laughing with genuine pleasure as he screamed.

She could also remember the feeling of his lips roving over hers, and the giddy butterflies in her stomach when she opened his first letter to find him inside of it. But she wasn't able to get that to stick in her head right now.

Nora turned over in bed and pulled the covers up more securely. Nightmares, for her, came in the form of flashbacks. There wasn't much out there that was more horrible than what she had already experienced. What with being taken over by a demon for the better part of her life, her dad dying (twice), and seeing Neeron leering at her from the man she loved's body, she had enough nightmare-worthy content to last her every night for the rest of her life.

She wasn't sure why these particular memories were resurfacing right now. Nora hadn't thought about East Berlin in months. A part of her looked at all of the happenings of last year as a different life. But it _wasn't_ a different life. She had still been her. And she couldn't even use the excuse of "Mallus was doing it" to console herself like she usually did. It had been _her_.

She was unable to sleep. That was the only certain thing in her mind right now. So Nora pushed back her covers and swung her legs over the side of her bed, bare toes brushing the wooden floor. It was nice to be out of the Time Bureau's containment facility, though she hadn't made a very large improvement. She was currently living in a rundown apartment in a rougher part of Washington DC, though none of her friends knew that. She hadn't even told Ray.

_Ray_.

Nora gulped down a mouthful of air and her fingers wrinkled up the sheets covering her thin mattress. Their time together in East Berlin hadn't been all that bad. It had been the first time since Nora was a teenager that she had spent any quality time with Ray, and the first time ever that she had spent with him alone.

It was the moments before that were haunting her tonight. She and Kuasa had tortured Ray. She didn't know _how_ she had forgotten that until that moment, but now she wished she could get it out of her head again. Ray had come to save her life, and she had tried to drain his life force out of him. And then, instead of letting her kill him (which she would have. She _would have killed him_), her father had forced her to kidnap him instead.

Nora remembered tying Ray to a hard wooden chair, just as he was beginning to come to. She had pulled the ropes so tight, tight enough to make him cry out with a nervous laugh and a "Yep, that's a good knot! At least if I have to die, I'll die in a good knot, right?"

Real-time Nora's breath shuddered and she threaded her hands into her hair, pulling until pain shot through her scalp.

It didn't stop the memories. After Nora tied him up, Damien had gone in and interrogated him about the Legends. When Ray had refused to give up any information, Damien had called his daughter back in. She had placed her hand on Ray's chest, watching as his eyes widened in surprise and then slowly rolled up to meet hers. And then she had drained his life force, stopping just before he fell unconscious, again and again and again and again and-

Nora grabbed her pillow and screamed into it. Her heart was pounding like she was still back in that room, still watching Ray's mouth foam and blood drip from his nose, still hearing him choke and gasp and beg her to stop. _How could she have done that to a human being? How could she have done that to _Ray_?_

The flashback flooded on. Damien had called her away from Ray to come eat. She had been disappointed (legitimately _disappointed_) that she wouldn't get to restart her work on him until the next morning.

The next day had dawned and Nora had used an electric-tipped rod on him. The day after it was matches. Little things that left less-to-no mark but made him hurt so much he wished he was dead. Finally, Ray had broken and agreed to record a video to sent to the Legends and throw them off the trail. She could still remember the look on his face when he had said "Alright, I did it! So... no torture today?" And he was somehow still peppy. He was _always_ peppy, even when she made him scream.

There were tears on Nora's cheeks now. Ray was screaming inside her mind. His head was thrown back, so far she thought his neck might snap. His mouth was gaping open and he was screaming, screaming-

Nora leaned over and gagged, just barely managing not to throw up. Then was she staggering over to her desk and scrabbling for her Time Currier. In moments there was a yellowish-white framed portal glowing in her room.

It was dark on the other side of the portal. There was a body lying in the bed, brown hair falling into it's face. Nora stepped slowly through and felt her voice crack as she tried to speak. "R-Ray?"

Ray sat up blearily and rubbed his face, un-gelled hair flopping this way and that. "Nora...?" he mumbled, peering into the dim light of his room. Then he was reaching out and fumbling for the light switch that activated the glow-rod on his wall. The room was suddenly bathed in blue light and Nora got her first clear sight of Ray.

Her vision blurred. All she could see was him as he had looked when he was strapped to a chair, head lolled to the side as he tried to force himself back upright, tried to keep holding on to whatever kept him going.

And the scream. The scream was back in her head, echoing in her ears.

Nora's stomach lurched. She tripped over Ray's dresser and banged her hip against the table, and the fell to her knees in front of the trashcan. Ray was suddenly beside her as she gagged again. "Hey, hey hey!" Ray cried, floundering a moment. His arm curled around her shoulders and his hand gripped her bicep, rubbing at her arms. "Shhhh..."

Nora coughed, trying to control her breathing. "I'm- I'm sorry," she gasped, gripping Ray's hands with her own. He pulled her into his chest, arms tight around her in a way that felt like a security blanket.

"Don't apologize," Ray whispered, still gently rubbing her arms. "Are you okay to stand?"

Nora nodded, swallowing thickly. She hadn't had someone hold her like this in a very long time, and she wasn't sure if it was comforting her or making it harder to breathe.

Basically carrying her, Ray slowly lifted the two of them up. He moved a few steps to the right and carefully sat down on his bed, helping Nora lay down. She felt like a wet towel that had been drenched and then wrung out as her head lolled against the pillow.

Ray lay down beside her, propped up on one elbow. He reached forward and stroked the hair out of Nora's face, fingers ghosting over her skin. "Do you want to tell me what's going on?" he asked in a low voice. "If you're not ready to talk though and you just want to sleep, we can wait until tomorrow."

"No, no, it's alright," Nora murmured. She felt her chest tightening. "I'm sorry I- I barged in the way I did. I just couldn't stop- couldn't stop-"

Her breathing turned to gasps again and Ray leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead. "It's okay, Nora," he whispered, dragging her across to his side of the bed and bundling her tightly into his arms. "I'm right here. Everyone is fine. You're safe. Mallus is gone, Neeron is gone, neither of us will have a demon inside of us ever again-"

"It's not _that_," Nora snapped, pushing him away and wrapping her arms around herself. "It's not any of that- not tonight. I tortured you, Ray. Don't you remember? Those days before we went to Berlin together."

Ray frowned thoughtfully. "Huh," he murmured. "That feels like ages ago. Kind of like another life."

"But it _wasn't_," Nora spat out brokenly. "It was less than a year ago. How can you bare to have me in your bed, much less _look_ at me, knowing what I did?"

"Hey." Ray sat up more and reached out, turning her face towards his with a hand at her cheek. His skin looked blue in the lighting but his eyes were as gentle as ever. "Nora, you should know by now that with this group, no one cares about your past. I'll remind you that Sara as an assassin and Mick was a serious criminal before they joined the Team."

"I don't- I don't _care_ about them," Nora spluttered, looking searchingly at him. "I care about you and- and _me_, and the things I did to hurt you. I remember all of it Ray, especially tonight. I can't stop hearing you- you _scream_. And I _liked_ it, Ray. I actually _enjoyed_ hurting you. God I just- I just disgust myself." She sucked in a breath a squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking out from under her eyelids.

"Well, you don't disgust me," Ray told her firmly. "You never could. I might seem all perfect and like I never do anything wrong, but I- I have made mistakes. I might not have killed people, but I haven't trusted my Team, I've lied to them, and I've created just as many anachronisms as I've fixed. Besides that, I'm a goody-two-shoes, and I'm annoying, and I don't know how to have any fun-"

Nora reached around the back of his neck and pulled his face down to meet hers. Ray's tirade of self-hate was cut off with her lips. When they broke apart for air, Nora gave him a angry look. "Don't _ever _say those things about yourself again," she told him fiercely. "Because I love you, Ray Palmer."

"And I love you, Nora Darhk," Ray murmured, giving her a soft smile. "And I'm not going to stop just because you poked me with an electric stick a few times because of your father's influence."

Nora bit her lip and looked away. "I just wish I could take it all back," she whispered. "Just the thought of hurting you makes me _sick_."

"So I saw," Ray replied lightly. He took her hands and folded them with his on top of the covers. "I truly believe that you will never do anything to harm me again, Nora. You need to believe that, too."

She nodded, and looked down at their hands. "Can I- can I stay here tonight? My roof leaks and... I don't want to be alone."

"Of course you can," Ray agreed immediately. "I can take-"

"You are not taking the chair," she interrupted with a glare. "Lay down and hold me, you idiot."

Ray smiled at her affectionate roughness and pulled her into his arms again. The covers were forgone for the moment as they lay in silence, contented with just each other's presence.

"Hold on a minute." Ray frowned and sat up a little. "Your roof leaks? I thought you were living in the housing space for the Time Bureau agents."

It seemed that Nora had been caught. "Ummm..." she mumbled, staring fixedly at the glow-stick that was still on in the corner of Ray's room. "I, uh... lied. They don't have housing space for Time Bureau agents. Why do you think that Ava has an flat?"

Ray shifted behind her, frowning. "Huh," he murmured. "I guess I just thought it was because she was the director...? Then where are you living right now?"

"Ray, do we really need to talk about this now?" Nora asked, sitting up again and turning to face him. She needed time to plan out if she was going to tell him the truth or keep trying to hide the fact that her pay was terrible, she had no money whatsoever in the bank, and she was going without breakfast five out of seven days.

He gave her a searching look. "Yeah, I think we do."

Nora let out a groan and rested her head against the backboard of his bed. "I'm a grown woman, Ray," she reminded him. "I don't need you looking after me."

He raised his eyebrow and just sat there, waiting. Nora knew from experience that Ray could be both incredibly stubborn and incredibly patient, which meant that 9 times out of 10 he got what he wanted.

"Okay, _fine_," she said finally. "I am currently living in a one-room apartment that's about the size of your bedroom, in a rundown part of Washington DC because it's the only rent I could afford. When you've spent your entire life in mental hospitals or being controlled by a demon, you don't use banks, and so I have basically no money to my name besides what I get as my Time Agent salary, which at the moment is next to nothing."

Nora stopped her tirade and let out a breath. It had felt nice to get all that off her chest, no matter what Ray's reaction might be.

Her boyfriend let his head fall back. "Nora..." he started, face pained. "I had no idea."

"It's hard to have an idea of something when no one tells you," Nora replied. "I'm getting by, Ray. It's just that this is the first time I've ever really been on my own, and it's a bit of a learning curve."

"But you _aren't_ on your own." Ray turned and took her hands again. "Nora... everyone on this ship cares about you, okay? If you ever need help or money or a place to stay... we will be there in an instant. _I_ will be there in an instant. There are empty rooms on this ship. You could stay here, on the Waverider."

"You know I can't," Nora said, looking regretfully at him. "I want to, Ray, I really do, but... my track record just can't take any more stuff that's outside of the Bureau's law. I finally have a paying job. I can't just throw it all away. Besides, my place isn't _so_ bad. It's close to work... kinda. I'm not- I'm not _scared_ to live there or anything; I can take care of myself just fine. It's just... it's nice to be here, with you, which is why I wanted to stay the night."

"Which you can do any time you ever want to," Ray promised. "You have a Time Currier, Nora. If you need me, just open up a portal and come on through. The Team is fairly used to significant others coming to visit, considering Ava comes by at least once a week. Hopefully we just won't be dealing with a lockdown or something crazy when you decide to do it."

Nora let out a weak laugh and laid back down. "Okay," she agreed with a sigh. "You might get sick of me, though."

He put his arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. Nora felt goosebumps run down her back and exhaled a little shakily. "I could never get sick of you," Ray whispered, breath ruffling her hair.

Nora nodded and shut her eyes, letting his warmth seep into her back. She just hope that was true.

**Author's Note: awlekjael;k ja;elkrj My babiessss I LOVE THEM SO MUCH IF THEY AREN'T IN THE FIRST EPISODE OF SEASON 5 I MAY SCREAM D: **


End file.
